God, Dog and Beelzebub Read online

and Beelzebub

  Gerrard Wilson

  Copyright 2014 by Gerrard Wilson

  God

  I am God

  Yes, God.

  God, God, God.

  Yippee, I'm God!!

  It’s good being God…

  The Be All and End All…

  The Alpha and the Omega…

  …and the happy ever after.

  Love me, worship me, and above all - fear me.

  Signed: God (that’s with a capital G).

  dog

  I am a dog (that’s god spelt backwards).

  Yes, that's dog.

  Dog, dog, dog

  Woof!

  It’s good being a dog…

  I can bark whenever I want to…

  I can play whenever I want to…

  And I can do nothing, if I so want to.

  It’s really grand, being a dog.

  Oh, I have just seen next-door’s cat, so I must dash.

  (It’s about time she had a good scare!)

  Signed: dog (with a small d).

  Beelzebub

  Devil, Satan, blackguard, daemon, daimon, demon, deuce, dickens, evil spirit, fiend, heller, hellion, monster, ogre, rogue, villain. Depending on your particular beliefs, you may think that I am all, some or perhaps none of these things.

  To have any hope of understanding that which I am, you will need to cast your mind back to when I was first created, and by whom...

  God created me, like you, in his own image, and also like you I was made flawed, capable of doing wrong if I so chose. Unlike humankind, whom God saw fit to give another chance, after Adam and Eve defied him when they ate from the Tree of Knowledge; I was not treated so leniently. He cast me out from Heaven, with no hope of redemption – ever! It seems to me that in God’s divine order, humans are his favourites, and only humans worthy enough of a second chance.

  Am I bitter? That’s a good question, a question that I have pondered over for many a millennium, and, if I am perfectly honest, I do have to admit that I was insufferably bitter at first. Having said that, and with the passing of so many years, I have come to see my expulsion from Heaven as a help rather than a hindrance, for it has put me in a unique position to see Creation through the eyes of an outsider, removed from all that distracting worshipping business.

  Religion is no democracy! ‘What?’ I can hear you all say in sheer disbelief. You don’t agree with me? Think about it, my friend, has anyone in your religion ever asked for your opinion of what you think of its doctrine, of the dogma you have been subjected to since you were a mere infant? How do you think they might react if you were to suddenly question it? Branded! You would be branded a troublemaker, for having dared to question the rules and regulations thought up to keep you and the worshipping masses in place, by those who wish to the control your very thoughts. No. Religion is no democracy; it’s more akin to communism, where you are told what to do, and you do it without question.

  Have you ever wondered why so many people are drifting away from religion? I’ll tell you why. And it’s not because of some silly outdated notion that I am constantly egging them on with my pitchfork, to spite God. The reason why so many people are leaving is because they have awoken, they have awoken to the lies, the missive of disinformation that has been fed to them, for generations.

  While people were uneducated, knowing no better, this worked and they believed without question everything they were told, but in this enlightened age of the internet, with instant communication and sharing of knowledge, where questions and answers can be relayed from one side of the world to the other in a matter of seconds, it was only a matter of time until this shift in thinking occurred. This shift is only the beginning; the greatest changes are yet to come…

  Gloating; do you think I am gloating when I see these fundamental changes in mankind’s thinking occur? Well let me tell you, I am not. And I will tell you something more; I have never wanted to do anything other than speak the truth.

  Confused? Let me explain… Pride. You have been told that I was expelled from Heaven because of the sin of pride…. Think about it, have you ever heard anything more absurd? If it were true, then just about everyone on Earth would have been expelled by now. No, I was not expelled for the sin of pride…

  Jealousy; I was expelled from Heaven, because God, seeing my openness, my honesty and my truthfulness, was jealous that something he had created might have a characteristic that he himself was so fundamentally lacking. I was expelled from Heaven because God was jealous of me!

  Left; did you know that the word ‘left’ is actually Latin for evil? Where do you think that idea originated? The left-hand side of the brain is used for artistic, creative and freethinking purposes, what better reason can you think for religion to label it as evil?

  What will happen if these changes continue unabated? Honesty? Transparency? Understanding? Forgiveness? All these, and more, will come to pass when I am exonerated. Now, don’t you think that’s something worth fighting for?

  I am in no hurry. I know that it will take time, but in the end I will be proven right. And when this finally happens, I will take my place in the Heavens, not as a God, but as an inspiration to all souls – everywhere!

  Signed: Beelzebub

  (That should be with a capital 'P' for patient).

  Harry Rotter

  No, Our Best China’s in There!

  Mr and Mrs Privet, of number five Dorsley Drive, were anything but normal. They had been normal only a few weeks earlier, but they were now as crazy as those incarcerated in the local loony bin.

  On the outside, Mr Privet, a tall, bald and incredibly thin man, appeared quite normal, but just beneath the surface, barely hidden, he was a seething mass of nervous ticks, idiosyncratic behaviour, peptic ulcers and, above all, just plain looniness. As well as suffering from the same mad ways as her loopy husband, the extraordinarily fat Mrs Privet was also suffering from the dreadful infliction of hearing voices in her head. She might hear them at any time of the day or night, and would oftentimes jump up in her bed, screaming in a most alarming way, giving her husband such a fright he would begin shaking uncontrollably. It was a most dreadful state of affairs altogether. Despite suffering from these awful conditions, Mr and Mrs Privet tried to continue living as normal a life as was possible, but hardly a day went by without one of them experiencing a mad interlude that would make most normal people simply roll over and die.

  Before I continue with my story, I must also tell you about their son Box, Box Privet. This child (the veritable apple of their eyes) was, like his father, of a tall and incredibly thin physique. At times, this trait would cause him to be the butt of jokes and jibes by his classmates and acquaintances. However, he paid little or no attention to them, because his mind was always set firmly on the love, the passion of his life – electronics. Upstairs, in his small bedroom, Box would work for hours on end with his soldering iron, long nose pliers and tweezers, creating, crafting bringing his new ideas to life. It was a lonely existence, but he loved it.

  I have already told you how Mr and Mrs Privet had been quite normal only a few weeks earlier. In all truthfulness, the Privet’s had been one of the happiest families in their entire estate of mock Elizabethan detached houses. But

  now they were mad, living in fear for their lives, the happy and contented existence they had so enjoyed, in tatters, a shambles, a mere shadow of what it had once been.

  You see, the Privet’s had been hiding a secret, a big secret. And while it had been contained and suppressed, as they felt is should still be, they had been enjoying that happy and contented life, but from the moment, the very instant this secret, this terrible secret had escaped from its place of inc
arceration, a private boarding school going by the name of Hagswords, their happy and carefree life had come to an abrupt end.

  This secret, this big dark secret was in reality a young girl, an orphan, the Privet’s only niece, going by the of Harry Rotter. She had actually been baptised Harriet, but from an early age had insisted that everyone call her Harry.

  Let me tell you about Harriet – Harry... She was the boldest, cruellest, nastiest child you could ever be unfortunate enough to meet. To look as her, with her flowing locks of golden hair and a face that appeared so innocent, so angelic, one might easily be fooled into believing that butter could last forever in her mouth without melting. But she wasn’t an angel, no, the unfortunate truth, the terrible truth was she was an out and out scoundrel, a bully who had no respect for anyone but herself. Bullies can and so very often do make the lives of those living around them as miserable as hell – Harry proved to be no exception to this rule.

  While Harriet – Harry – had been safely ensconced in her school everything had been just fine, and the